Monday, September 27, 2010


Love seems sort of like... gambling or something. Like, since there's no way for us to download another person's feelings or thoughts, and neither of those can be adequately expressed through words, we can never be 100% sure if there's something better than what we feel and think now. You feel stronger about one person than you have about anyone else, but what if you're just way behind in experience, and actually what you feel is only like 15% of the highest extent of love you are capable of feeling. But you don't know that, so you marry the person you feel the strongest for, and after 20 years or so, you meet that person who you were supposed to be with, the one for whom you feel the highest capacity of love that you can ever feel for any human being. What then? I feel like to say you love someone, and to marry them, you're saying "I know that I will never feel more about a person than I feel for you." And I know feelings come and go, and the honeymoon period ends and all that, but some small piece of that feeling should never go away, I think... and what if you get into it with this person, believing with all your honest heart that you love them as much as you will ever love anyone, and it turns out that you don't? That there is someone else out there. You didn't know, and it doesn't mean that the 15% capacity you felt for the original person is any less.. it's just that THIS person, you can feel 100% for. I don't know. Blah. It's not that the original person was lacking in any way... you honestly thought and felt that was what love was. =/ What then?

Saturday, September 4, 2010

One step forward, two steps back

In my last post I talked about finally surfacing out of a depression and trying to put my life back together. I really did try, I feel... I wrote two letters, organized all my swapping stuff into piles, contacted many people about things that needed to get done, bought postage to work on it all, and BEGAN the great process of sifting through all of this...

When my mom called. NEVER a good sign.

Technically it wasn't her that called, because the last time we spoke turned into a yelling match in which she told me to not come home again unless I'm willing to be all happy and friendly with her instead of acting out how I truly feel. It's honestly easier to just NOT come at all.

Anyway. She decided to send my dad as a messenger, since, in her words, "she listens to you!!" Dad informed her I don't listen to anyone (ha!) but he would try.

Basically, my mother does not approve of my getting married. She is going to employ her usual tactics of having an issue with every. little. thing. every step of the way, when really, none of that stuff matters, but she is either not willing or doesn't know HOW to talk to me about what really matters. She's mad about the way I got engaged, the style of dress I have chosen, the fact that I'm having it in Springfield (where I live) instead of Kansas City (where she lives)... she's mad that I have "kicked her out" of the planning, blah blah blah... she's especially mad that the entire event is not going the way she wanted it to.

Her vision: My fiance and I will "court" (not date!) for several years, most of the that courting is spent with the parents within arms' length. During this time, I live at home with my best friend - my mother - and we frolic in the sunshine, while he graduates college and gets a high-paying job (instantly, of course) as a lawyer or a CEO or something. Then, he will purchase us a house. He will ask my father for my hand in marriage, and after a grueling conversation about how he plans to "take care of my daughter," he will be allowed to propose. (I'm sure she wanted to be there for the proposal or something, though she never mentioned it) We will then have a long engagement, during which time my mother will plan the entire wedding for me, and I will walk down the aisle with BOTH parents (like she did!) instead of just my dad, and I will run off and live wealthy ever after - I mean happily. Yes. Happily.

Reality: My fiance is still in college. I just graduated at the age of 21, and at my 21st birthday party (the weekend I moved into my first apartment, 3 hours away from home) my fiance proposed, with just my friends present, in the sweetest way possible (the ring was inside a pinata). I immediately called my parents, who were both on the line when I told them, squealing with happiness, that I was engaged (they really didn't express any happiness whatsoever, just sort of said "uhhh congrats? I'll let you get back to your party...."). We plan on getting married the following year, in the city where we will have spent the last 4 years of our lives. All the planning has been done with my bridesmaids, in a flurry of giggles and joy. I want to be a writer, and my fiance wants to film movies. For quite some time, neither of us plan on making any real money, and if we are never rich, we will never be disappointed.

The only point that my parents made that had any real value to it was the fact that I don't have a job (even though I have been trying as hard as I can for the past 4 months, applying at every single place I can think of). The only way we're surviving is through a combination of student loans, selling stuff on amazon, generous parents, and my fiance's work-study job that gives him very little. In light of that, I've decided if I can't find a job by December, I'm calling off the wedding and preparing for a life of living out of my car. Moving back in with my mother *cough* I mean family, is never. going. to. happen. I will be homeless before I do that.

So... after that phone call, and the following phone calls about how I remain jobless, and the depressing fact that I wake up every morning and have nothing to do but get rejected by every business in the entire city... I basically swirled instantly back into depression, which this time manifested itself as me sitting in front of my laptop watching thousands of movies, due to my new free trial of Netflix. I don't sleep. I don't eat healthy food. I don't bathe half the time because why the heck should I bother? Not like I have anywhere to go. I get rejection via email AND the mail... once they start CALLING me to reject me, I will have absolutely no safe communication device.

It's not like that's any different than it has been for the last few months, but somehow my mind had forgotten about supporting myself, and just skipped straight to the wedding, and I had so much fun planning it and choosing things... we hadn't actually bought anything or paid any deposits, because we were still trying to figure everything out... the possibilities were endless! I could do whatever I wanted! It was amazing. But now that I have fully realized the fact that there may not even be a wedding, I have absolutely NOTHING to look forward to.

I'm beginning to do all this wondering about like... what is the point of life? I'm supposed to go out and fulfill my dreams, but none of my dreams are ever going to happen if I can't master the mundane crap first!

Ugh. At least I have school. Sort of. I have 2 more classes before I finish my degree, both are American Literature classes, which I have attempted to take TWICE before (I can't STAND American literature). Both of mine are online/distance-learning courses. Which, on the down side, means they are incredibly easy to COMPLETELY FORGET ABOUT, since you don't have to attend class, and none of your friends go and ask you where you were and etc. On the plus side... at least it's not like a math class or anything. Even though I don't like AMERICAN literature (at least not the really early stuff, which is 90% of the class. It gets good once we hit the 19th century. Well sort of. I can't stand Hemingway. Or Steinbeck. Oh eff I'm SCREWED.) I still like literature... surely it's not ALL terrible!?

Recently it feels like all I want to do is scream and break things, but that would mean the neighbors would bang on the walls and then I'd have to clean up the crap I broke. Ugh.

Sigh. So really, I made a small flail of an attempt to fix things, but life came up and bit me in the ass and stopped all my attempts at flailing. :(


EDIT: Also, on top of everything else, my fiance and I had romantic plans for this weekend and I got my period. Well, there goes that.