The Plan

I like people who are out of control. I think it's because they're boldly showing outside what I feel most of the time inside, but don't have the energy to make a scene about. I always wanted to be a punk rocker chick, but "I wasn't angry enough" I always said. It's not that I wasn't angry enough, but that I didn't have the energy to get up and throw tantrums and do drastic things regardless of the consequences. I'm too tired and too smart. I see all outcomes of my choices and it keeps me from flying off the handle. It's kind of like killing yourself (morbid I know, but stick with me). Your life is crap, and you want to make it better by ending it. Fine. Jump off a cliff. Just make sure what you do is actually going to kill you, because if not, you're going to end up a vegetable with some creepy nurse changing your diapers. I don't take drastic measures because it's like - if things don't go absolutely according to plan, I could end up with a life way worse than what I have now.

I think sometimes we have to let ourselves need something that's bad for us. I don't have to give examples. I'm sure you can think of your own.

Right now, I'm kind of in the middle of something. You know that lame magic trick (and in the 1800's it was a toy they bought for children) where you have a card, and on one side there's a bird, and on the other side there's a cage, and if you spin it really fast it makes a blurry picture of a bird inside of the cage? I feel like on one side of my card, there's depression - this dark, deep, sinking pit of ocean that keeps dragging me under and makes me think that dying would be better than doing the nothing that is my life. On the other side, there's hope. Things could be better. I get energetic and want to change everything. But I feel like I'm not one side more than the other side. Someone is spinning my card and I'm a bird in a cage, not any more bird than I am cage.

I want to stop spinning the card. It should be obvious which side I hope the card lands on when it stops spinning.

The problem I'm having is the same problem I've been having since high school. The difference is that in high school, I was far more energetic and willing to do something about it than I am now. Back then, I decided the issue was comfort. I, like everyone else, have a tendency to do what is comfortable rather than what is good for me, or what is fun, or scary, or challenging. I think if I honestly had my way, I would spend my entire life watching movies, playing video games, and eating snacks. I would never leave my bed. That's what is comfortable to me.

So I'm going to make lists, and plans, because I love making lists and plans. Originally the plan was to make a list of all the things that make me afraid, or really uncomfortable, and to go down the list and do ALL of them. But now I'm thinking that I need to make lists of whatever it is that gives me an extreme emotion. Fear, happiness, disgust, embarassment, excitement, sadness... and go out and do all of them. Experience all of them. My particular brand of depression isn't sadness or anxiety - it's numbness. Comfort. I just sit around and do nothing. I feel nothing, think nothing, do nothing. The opposite of that is to feel lots, think lots, and do lots. So that is what I will do.

(Please note, that there will be nothing on these lists that would actually be harmful to me. When I say "extreme fear" - to me, that consists of spiders, roller coasters, calling in for pizza and telling my parents what I think of them. I'm actually afraid of a lot of really dumb things. So don't fear for my safety, haha.)

Maybe I'll post later when I come up with some actual lists. For now, I'm content to have a plan to make a plan. It feels good, like a solid step in an otherwise shaky walk. Thanks for reading my ceaseless babbling. :)

-Jesse

I suppose this counts as "writing"

It's 9 am. I haven't slept since sometime yesterday. I randomly decided to send my mom one of those fruit bouquets for Mother's Day. While ordering it, though, I got stuck on the little card that comes with it. What to say? I started being super obnoxious and have come up with a lot of things NOT to say. Here are the ones I decided to scrap:

"Happy Mother's Day! Tomorrow celebrates 21 years of your being a mom. Congrats! You survived!"

"I'm sorry I put you through 20 hours of labor. Here is a tasty treat to make up for it."

"It annoys me that my birthday falls on mother's day"

"Thanks for providing me with a rich environment to explore as a child so that I could grow up to be a high-functioning adult"

"... Enjoy the fruit. Yum!"

"Thanks for attempting to push me out of your vagina. I'm sure you didn't particularly enjoy that. But thanks for going through it."

"Aren't you glad I'm out of that 'Here's an ugly pot I made you in preschool!' phase?"

"Even though I now live 3 hours away, I'm still thinking of you on Mother's day. 1 down, 1 to go. Good luck shooing Ryan out of the nest!"

"I acknowledge I am your offspring. It is the social convention to present you with a gift and spew sentiment. Consider this my fulfillment of that convention. Huzzah."

I don't know what to think about the fact that my mom would be annoyed with any of the above. I mean, she's lived with me for 21 years, why does she keep expecting me to magically stop being obnoxious? -___- She has to know anything less than the above would be completely fake. I actually am very sincere in my appreciation for her allowing me to infest her womb for 9 months, cause her intense pain for 20+ hours and then demand practically all of her time and money for the next 21 years. Baha maybe THAT'S what I should put on there. Hmmm. :P

-Jesse

Daily Writing is Hard!

Writing something everyday is turning out to be much harder than I thought it was going to be!! I have nothing to write about, it seems... and all the things I do get an impulse to write are all of a "non-fiction" style, whereas I want to practice creative writing and descriptions. I'm not sure how to manage this just yet.

Maybe for now I'll just write whatever I feel like writing until I start reading, or start getting inspired enough to write some creative non-fiction. :) Not sure. I know I need to work on my time management skills.

-Jesse

Nicole

Here goes my first attempt at daily writing, and the first time I have written anything in a very very very very ungodly long time.

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((In one of the sessions I attended at this conference, I was stuck waiting in a room for 30 minutes, and ended up watching this lady, whose name tag said Nicole, interact with several women around her. This is a not-too-exaggerated portrayal of her.))

Contours and lines seemed to be converging in a giant mess of fluid motion. Nothing here remains straight or solid for long that doesn't eventually spin out of control. I trace these lines with my eyes. I take in the colors, the shapes, but come always, irrevocably, back to the lines. In math they tell you that every line is eternal. Any line you see is merely a segment. As I watch this tangled arrangement of lines which swirl, duck, spin, and flirt with each other, it helps to think that they may be thin pieces of forever, in various shades of amber and gold. They are fragile, despite it all. Each line appears to be held, suspended, at the very cusp of a moment, the edge of a possibility. If I think about it too long, I get anxious, wanting the lines to finish their spiral down, down, down, and keep on going. I have a strong aversion to the pause I discover them in. I'm impatient. The streaks, the stripes, they converge and twine around each other, creating a silhouette of chaotic feminine beauty. A curl here, a spiral there, they all align, somehow, to frame her face. When she turns, and the twining mass is tossed, nonchalantly, I see her face, the main act. She has creases enough to be thirty, but beauty enough to be seventeen. Her smile is hesitant, and her lightly hooded eyes seem to retain a sorrow - not an obsessive one, but something that tugs at her from somewhere. When she laughs, it feels as though she's holding back, and while her lightly drifting curls shake against her face with all the energy of a coiled spring, her weak expressions and faltering voice contradict her own incarnation. Everything about her seemed aimed to make her disappear, except her hair. Her face was pale. Her lips small and shell-pink. Her eyes a nondescript blue, beneath pale lids below pale brows. Her hair, however, a flaming golden amber, stood out. Despite the inherent destiny of being born with an explosion of hair, it was as if she intended to live her life without making any impact. She was trying to slip away. And now, I have refused to let her.

Personally Invested

My life is falling apart, details unneeded, because I have stopped doing the things I once loved. Somehow, I think I slowly gave them up to do homework, take tests, go to class and chapel and all the stupid things I'm required to do so I can get a degree and get out of here. But now I'm graduating, and all those things are soon to go away, and I find that I have very little left over. I need to start doing, again, the things that matter to me.

One of those is writing... And since I already have a blog in place, I figured I'd use it to work on my writing... mostly fiction, some in a memoir-ish style, maybe just descriptions of things that happened... I dunno. So, for now, I hold out no promises that there will be any sort of logic or reason to anything going on on this blog. But I want to learn discipline, and dedication, and I want to try and write SOMETHING every day, hopefully posting it to this blog.

My plan for getting my life back together is a 4-part plan. 1) Talk to God lots. 2) Read lots. 3) Write lots. 4) Do small projects and goals that I used to want, but gave up on, on a not-regular basis, just whenever I have time... these will probably come out of my DayZero list. :)

I'm almost kind of excited about this project. :) And I haven't been excited about much in a long time.

-Jesse

My Dorky Dragons :P

Hello! hahaha.... I am a complete dweeb and have these weird little dragon pets that grow from people clicking on them.... XD They've hatched out of their eggs and are all cute and stuff so you should click on them :P

Tiny Hands Contest :)

Miniature, Inedible Cupcakes
Originally uploaded by tinyhandsonline

I recently discovered this awesome website that sells tiny jewelry that looks like food! @_@ This is one of my recent obsessions, and there are several awesome websites that sell this stuff. :D The reason I'm mentioning Tiny Hands is that they're having a contest. ^_^ You get points for doing certain things, such as writing a blog entry about them, which is what I'm doing! :D

To learn about the contest, click here!

To see more of her awesome food jewelry, click here!

For every person that comments here, I get more points towards winning an adorable necklace from this store (But don't start spamming just for fun - that's bad!). So.. ^_^ I would love for you to comment! :D

-Jesse