Wednesday, August 4, 2010

My debt. Hmm.

Let me tell you a story.

I was super depressed (is this news to anyone...) for about 6 months, from the end of Fall Semester 2009 to the end of Spring Semester 2010 (roughly). I feel like I'm coming out of that, though bits of it linger... but during that time, I accumulated quite a bit of debt. Not like monetary debt (although I did fall for a in-store credit card, forgot about a $15 charge, that turned into a $70 charge. *shudders* But moving on). I guess it's more social debt? I dunno.

I was depressed and wanted to be happy, so I signed up for things and took on a lot of projects, almost compulsively, to make myself happy. Not quite an addiction, but certainly not healthy. I was into swapping, book trading, penpalling... lots of stuff. There are these things called tags. It's like a giant list, with a theme. The theme might be "Send 2 things on the person's list, then make your own list and post it here." You claim the last person on the list, mail them stuff, and then put up your own list for someone to claim things from.

Well, I would sign up for tooooons of these. I did it on like 3 different websites... plus I arranged for swaps, joined things... started book trades, signed up for penpals and little lotteries where people sent me postcards and stickers... I even organized elaborate contests and swaps, then didn't have enough to keep it going, and it would fall apart. I didn't sign up for these things with the INTENTION of not fulfilling them. I actually STILL have staaaacks of envelopes sitting in my room full of stuff to send to people. I honestly intended to follow through. But I didn't have the money, or I didn't have the emotional energy, to keep it up. I took on way more than I could.

Not to mention starting projects with people that didn't involve any actual physical objects. I told people I'd read their stories and then get halfway through and leave them hanging. I get nasty emails about once a week from various people wondering where I've gone. It's a mess.

While I've stopped doing that, and have learned to only take on small amounts of work I know I can do, and other healthy strategies... I haven't dealt with this large amount of social debt (sure let's call it that) that I've accumulated. I have... *counts* 20 letters sitting here that I never replied to. I meant to reply. Some of them I even started replying.... but in the end, I never did. I was failing my classes, barely able to handle my job, trying to deal with personal drama, personal issues, the pressure of graduating.... PLUS I was moving from my dorm to my apartment in the midst of all this, so only NOW have I managed to regather all the stuff into one pile (instead of it all being strung out all over the apartment like it has been the last 3 months).

My grandpa died recently and I was struck by how hardworking he was... and how he accomplished so much because he put forth the effort to try. I tend to not put forth much effort for anything anymore.

So, in this large process of trying to fix everything I screwed up while completely out of it, and trying to put into practice healthy habits that will see me through to a life I want, I've decided that the only way I can truly be free of all this debt that actually weighs heavily on my heart. One thing in particular is this toy animal that someone sent me, and I was supposed to take pictures of it then send it back. They send me letters, facebook messages, emails, etc. probably on a weekly basis trying to get me to send the toy onwards. I've put it off for so long because of two reasons. 1) I lost the little outfit and the key tag for the toy, and I wanted to find them before I mailed it back... if they were lost in my dorm room, imagine how lost they are in this apartment O_O!! ... 2) I didn't want to admit that I failed. I kinda hoped if I ignored it, it would go away. That tends to be my default stance on life and I'm discovering that guess what! It doesn't work!

Besides being incessantly reminded by people, it weighs on me just in general. I feel bad to have let so many people down, even in a small way. And I miss having penpals, and miss swapping, but I know that I can't go back unless I fix this. If I tried to go back now, it'd just be like shopping when you owe the bank $30,000 already. XD (Or trying to shop at Maurices when you already owe them $70 for a dress that cost $15. SIIIIIGH.)

So yeah. I sort of use this blog as my "make a public statement so that your decision feels more official" outlet, at least that's what I'm finding.... haha!! So.... :D Yeah!!