Sunday, November 29, 2009

Why I should never be allowed in a kitchen at 5 am

Alternate title: Jesse can't cook.

I must start by reminding my like 4 readers that I am obviously home for Thanksgiving break because my dorm room does not require the necessary appliances for cooking. (After reading this, you will probably think this is a good thing.....) Thus the references to parents and tupperware and ovens and all other assorted vehicles of cooking mania that I do not normally have in my posession. (don't ask why I'm talking so formally - it's 7 am. Just... let's leave it at that.)

Meet my "fried rice." (the SECOND batch of it. Because cooking horrible abominations isn't good enough - I have to do it twice. o.O The second one is actually the worse of the two...)

First... I am the worst rice cooker on the planet. Every single time I attempt to cook rice, I fail. I always end up with like 3 inches of water with the rice, DESPITE my best efforts to follow the direction on the packaging. Thus, my rice always resembles mush. Sigh.

Second... this one is not my fault. My house consisted of NO vegetables WHATSOEVER... except, well, tomatoes... and this. So... I used both. XD I sauteed the tomatoes (and didn't realize that for some reason my oven's dials do not turn the way I thought they should... I assumed I had it on "medium low" heat... when in actuality I had it on "medium high" heat. When my tomatoes were frying to a crisp and splattering everywhere [hot grease, mind you - hot buttery tomato-y grease], I turned it to what I thought was "low" but turned out to be "high" ... AHG! Anyway)

Third isn't that bad... leftover ham from Thanksgiving... to substitute for the "pork" that would normally go in fried rice. Ham is pig. Pork is pig. Makes sense? (I'm waiting for someone who can actually cook to post and be like "OMG NO, COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!")

This is the result of my first attempt. I actually ate a good portion of it (NOTE this entire thing occurred because I haven't done any homework over Thanksgiving like... at all... and am now attempting to smash it all into the last 24 hours of it. So it was like 5 am and I was starving and craving Chinese food.... so I [again avoiding homework] went online and found a fried rice recipe. Thankfully we didn't have the ingredients for the "Sweet and sour chicken" recipe I found, or else this would probably be a post about how my house just burned down)... Things were looking rather good at first... I discovered that I actually LIKE scrambled eggs when they are cooked in a tbsp of butter... it balances out that nasty sulfuric taste and replaces it with a sweet buttery goodness @_@

But in the end, utter disaster. It has taken up its permanent home in the tupperware in the fridge... with a sign begging someone to eat it (which means, depending on who finds it first, either dad will devour it and claim it's delicious and I won't be able to tell if he is just trying to make me feel better or if his tastebuds really are that far gone O_O... [my father is known to eat just about anything "edible" and like it... besides peas and those cereal snack bars that had the "milk" in them, I've never heard him say he doesn't like something]... OOOOR my mom will throw it out. Dad usually wakes up first, let's hope for that one.)

So... all in all... I should stick to cooking simple things like spaghetti, toast, and rice krispie treats, because frankly.... tomatoes? in fried rice? WTF.



  1. Aww. The secret to cooking rice is this... you pour water onto the rice and then stick your fingers into the pot so the tips are just touching the rice. The water should reach the first knuckle on your middle finger. I'm Asian. This works. ;-)

  2. Totally right JD.

    And I have a great fried rice recipe you can't destroy... I know because I've done it half asleep!

    Chop up your ingredients small and crack two eggs into a bowl and - without milk - whisk them with a fork. With the wok/pan hot with a little oil, put the eggs in and cook them fast, then put them into a bowl and leave to one side. Pour in a little more oil and cook up your veggies (hard veggies first so they are cooked when it's all done) and add your nuts and other softer stuff as you go along. Check on your rice. As it looks almost cooked, put the lid on and turn it off... the heat inside the pot will do the rest of it.
    Now... for the sauce that kicks butt! Get out of the fridge: soy sauce, oyster sauce and from the pantry raw or brown sugar. a tablespoon of soy, teaspoon of oyster and two teaspoons of sugar (no white sugar please! If you don't have the brown sugar, honey will do great!). Mix it all into a little bowl and keep on hand. Add into the wok/pan, some paprika, tarragon and crushed ginger and turn it over as you add the eggs and the spoon in the rice and sauce. Quickly turn it all over and mix in! Then, turn off the stove and you've got a very nice and delicious fried rice! YUMMO!

  3. See? I told you I would eventually get around to reading this? I just happen to have a little break tonight.

    You know, you're farther and better than me so far because you have attempted and tried to cook, whereas the only things I've tried are cookies, pies, etc.

    I haven't tried to cook "real food" like pasta and stuff.

    So, your "fried rice" is a step up from me. :)

    Does easy mac count as cooking? hehe.