Monday, February 1, 2010

OPO Day I lost count

I'm sorry I haven't been updating this blog regularly. God was very right when he said I wouldn't be able to do this semester without him. The unforeseen dilemma of my scholarships not coming in has left me unable to purchase books, and thus having to borrow them from people. I feel like I'm becoming a burden to my friends, something I've always dreaded, and it means that I can only do my homework and reading at certain times during the week, when those books are available to me. Plus, my work is difficult. The actual work isn't hard at all... but it's only open from 8 am 'til 4 pm, since I work in the humanities office. My classes are mostly in the evening, and my boyfriend's stuff is mostly in the evenings. So while he has free time, I don't. And when I finally get free time, he doesn't have any. This makes it really difficult to see each other. :( Plus I've been having all kinds of sleeping problems and so I sleep through everything I need to do, and that makes me feel like a failure. It's all really hard.

I haven't had time to do most of the stuff I planned to do this month, so I think I'm going to extend it into February, maybe even the whole semester... just try really hard.

Something I have done.... recently I've been stressing out about all the things I want to do with my life and how I feel like I'm being forced to make decisions about these things and I don't like it. I've constructed a jar... haha. It's a glass jar that I have decorated with paint, nailpolish, and glitter... it says "To: God, From: Me" and the lid says "Altar" ... inside of it, I'm going to write on slips of paper all the ideas... things I want for my future, hopes dreams, etc... everything I feel like I really want but don't know how I'm going to fit it into my life... and I'm going to put all those slips of paper into this jar, seal it up, and give it to God. I hate that phrase, by the way. But I'm not going to worry about it. I'm going to put them in there as a way of saying "This semester, I don't worry about my future. I don't make extensive plans. I don't freak out. I lay out all the options, then I shut them away." I'll pray about it all semester, and at graduation I'll open the jar back up and do some serious thinking/talking to God about what I should do with all of it.

I've found that instead of doing what I need to do in the here and now, I think too far ahead into my future and worry about things that I won't even need to deal with until waaaay later.

I've also recently made a mix cd with a song for each major period of my life, and it was rather awesome getting to make it... to line everything up and put it all in perspective.

I'm participating in a swap on where for a week, you go out of your way to intentionally notice all the really awesome details and things that make life worth living, and then write a letter about it, seeing how it affects your life. I thought this coincided perfectly with Operation Project Openness, and am excited to have a concrete THING I can do. :D

I'm having a really hard time right now, realizing I still have feelings for a guy that I thought I was over. And since things are stressful right now, and my boyfriend is distant... things are even harder. Ugh.

So yeah. Things are a mess, and I feel like I can't handle them. I wish I knew how to "rely on God" to get through this junk... I mean, talk to him lots? is that all there is to it? I don't even know what to say.. "Hi, uh, my life sucks, can you do something about it? please? Also, thank you for making snow. It's pretty." That just sounds lame.



  1. Jesse,

    You are such an inspiration! How do you come up with these things, like a jar, for example? It's a beautiful idea. It's confidential, between you and God, and you were able to be creative for Him, so it's also like a gift for God. I love you for your inspiration. Because I tend to worry about everything, and putting things to "give it to the Lord" would be one way to do that...except...I don't want to copy you. :'(
    I don't want to steal your jar idea, so I'll think of something similar, but I may not use a jar. I feel that's yours, you know? :D
    I also love your idea of opening the jar back up. Aw, hopefully I'll find my own thing.

    Aww. I'm sorry about your scholarship money not turning up yet. I got your Facebook message (and I will write back!). I really hope it turns out soon. I'm sure your friends understand though. Maybe God is letting this happen to teach you to trust in Him through other people. At least, that's what I get out of it.

    I didn't know worked in the Humanities office. One of my favorite places at Evangel. :D What do you do there?

    I'm sure Chris understands about not being to see much of each other right now. You're under a lot of stress, and before long, he will be too. Some classes take a little while to overwhelm people.

    I start classes tomorrow!

    I heart you.

    - Rebecca

  2. As in any religion, the faith of Gods and Goddesses takes time and belief in yourself first. You have to remember he will always be there for you and you will have to just have to have the faith in him that he will help you when he thinks you need it.
    God is like a parent and a teacher. One is going to nurture you (the parent side of him) and the other is going to teach and guide you (the teacher side of him). I stayed in the Uniting Church long enough to see both sides of this and realise when it was time to leave and walk my own path. I always know he'll be there if and when I need him.
    And this is something you'll have to just relax and let happen in yourself. And faith won't happen overnight either; it's like prayer, it takes a lot of practice and you'll need to work on it and accept the ups and downs before it clicks in.

    Otherwise, I hope your scholarship money comes through, I hope your relationship with your boyfriend works out for the best and (as they say in 'Avatar'), I see you.


  3. Mozette - haha I like the Avatar quote. :) I've wanted to copy it but thought people would find it cheesy. ;) I'll wait like 10 years until the technology is so outdated no one thinks it's cool anymore and hardly anyone remembers it - and THEN I'll say it and people will think I'm deep. ... In other news, haha, thanks so much for your encouragement! I've never heard of Uniting Church... is it like Unitarian? I'm not sure if I like the parent or the teacher side of God more... I like the part that is always there for me, and NOT the part that randomly decides the best way to teach me to swim is to toss me in the water and hope for the best. I'm aware that he's always there with a floaty ring to save me, but while I'm flailing about in the water, it doesn't feel like it. :( I'm trying to see it from his perspective, though... less me demanding he do things my way, and more me trying to objectify, and see it from God's side. Not at all possible sometimes, but it helps when I don't understand, to pull back and try and see the whole picture. :)

    Rebecca: :D You can steal my jar idea, I don't mind!! Random quote I think I made up: "Don't worry about people stealing your ideas, worry about having an idea worth stealing." Haha. I'm honored that you liked it enough to want to copy it. Maybe put it in a box, or an envelope that you mail to yourself at the end, or write them out in a list and burn them (I used to do this with sins, or things I was ashamed of... in middle school, I had this horrible image of myself and thought I did nothing right, and so I'd write out these huge lists of everything about me that sucked, then I'd sit on my driveway and burn the list, and as I watched all my words fizzle away I'd remind myself that the ash leftover is about how much value God places on all the "bad" things... if that makes sense... like he doesn't care about those parts, but cares about the good, and etc. It was awesome, until my dad found me lighting bonfires on our driveway and was like WTF!! haha but anyway....)

  4. The Uniting Church is a religion where you can freely go into any other church and worship without them saying you can or can't enter their house of worship. For example if I was to be invited to a Mormon Wedding or another type of wedding like a Catholic Wedding, I'd be able to go without feeling as though I don't know what's going on. I'd pray and do everything almost the same way they do; with just that little bit of difference.

    Once I was invited to a Mormon house for dinner; and being their guest, I was asked to bless the food. However, I didn't know any blessings for food; just the fast one my Grandpa used to mutter ('For what we're about to receive, may be truly grateful. In Jesus' Name, Amen.'). So, we all held hands - as they do in the Mormon church - and I said the blessing. The moment I said Amen, all the kids dove straight into the hot food.
    Later on, I was told by the same kids I wouldn't be invited back because 'the Aunt' didn't think my blessing was long enough. I asked how long it should be and they said: 'Until the food goes cold and greasy.' I thought it was horrible that a woman like that expects people to eat cold food at dinner; yet was disgusted I said the same kind of thing in a few words and they all had a hot meal.
    Before I left, the Aunt asked me what religion the blessing came from. I told her it was Presbyterian (because Grandpa was) and she grunted saying that they never did anything right. I didn't say anything, just grunted saying that at least everyone at a good hot meal that night. I got in my car and left... and yeah, I didn't get invited back. I was too much of a rogue to be a Mormon.

    Now, I have nothing against the Mormon Church, just this little experience with this particular woman. I found this particular family really strange; and didn't wish to go back to the house because of how she treated everyone: from starving them to keeping people who were legally adults from leaving the house. It was horrible. But I have seen worse.

    The Unitarian Church are such lovely people and I have been to a few of their services. I keep forgetting where they meet and have trouble getting to them. So, I don't attend very often.

  5. Wow... it's kind of absurd for someone to be upset because a prayer was too short or too long. Some Mormons are nice, at least a few that I've met. :) Religious people, it's like one out of ever two is a jerk. But one out of every two is also a really great person. :D

    I just wikipedia-ed the Uniting Church. No wonder I've never heard of it, since it's only in Australia. :P It sounds really awesome, though, and I kind of wish we had a branch in America. I agree with them (if the wiki article is correct) in their trying to bring denominations together... that's a huge deal for me, since I think denominations separate us more than they help us. I also like the emphasis on social justice. :) But, alas, they are only in Australia.