Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I suppose this counts as "writing"

It's 9 am. I haven't slept since sometime yesterday. I randomly decided to send my mom one of those fruit bouquets for Mother's Day. While ordering it, though, I got stuck on the little card that comes with it. What to say? I started being super obnoxious and have come up with a lot of things NOT to say. Here are the ones I decided to scrap:

"Happy Mother's Day! Tomorrow celebrates 21 years of your being a mom. Congrats! You survived!"

"I'm sorry I put you through 20 hours of labor. Here is a tasty treat to make up for it."

"It annoys me that my birthday falls on mother's day"

"Thanks for providing me with a rich environment to explore as a child so that I could grow up to be a high-functioning adult"

"... Enjoy the fruit. Yum!"

"Thanks for attempting to push me out of your vagina. I'm sure you didn't particularly enjoy that. But thanks for going through it."

"Aren't you glad I'm out of that 'Here's an ugly pot I made you in preschool!' phase?"

"Even though I now live 3 hours away, I'm still thinking of you on Mother's day. 1 down, 1 to go. Good luck shooing Ryan out of the nest!"

"I acknowledge I am your offspring. It is the social convention to present you with a gift and spew sentiment. Consider this my fulfillment of that convention. Huzzah."

I don't know what to think about the fact that my mom would be annoyed with any of the above. I mean, she's lived with me for 21 years, why does she keep expecting me to magically stop being obnoxious? -___- She has to know anything less than the above would be completely fake. I actually am very sincere in my appreciation for her allowing me to infest her womb for 9 months, cause her intense pain for 20+ hours and then demand practically all of her time and money for the next 21 years. Baha maybe THAT'S what I should put on there. Hmmm. :P



  1. I think all of the above are perfect!! And if nothing else will make the person that puts it in the envelope laugh! :)

  2. Those are AMAZING. Might I steal one for Mother's Day?

  3. Hi Jess!
    I see you are still alive!! Can you PLEASE send me my Toy Voyager Terry back?? I have written you many emails and even sent you a card to your home. I have someone waiting to take him on a trip and they are leaving very soon! PLEASE PLEASE send him back home :)

  4. Hahahah~~ How excellent. I think my fav though is the "Aren't you glad I'm out of that 'Here's an ugly pot I made you in preschool!' phase?" one. Hilarious! XD

  5. Every time I get Mum something for Mother's Day, she ends up crying anyway. So, this year, I went and won a trip to Mooloolaba (it's a lovely spot up on the North Coast near Caloundra here in Queensland... very expensive place to stay) at the Mantra on the Beach resort. It was a 2-night stay for 2... and the first person I thought of was Mum. And we're heading off the day after Mother's day. But instead of going for the 2 nights only, we're staying a few extra nights.

    Dad's looking after Stevie. I only hope she survives and he remembers to feed her and puts a cover on her at night.