Operation Project Openness: Day One
Today is my first day being wholly open to God and spirituality. However, things didn't go very well at all. First, I think I may be getting sick, as I woke up with a horrible sore throat, and so went right back to bed. Instead of waking up at 7 like I planned, I woke up at noon. I planned on having most of the morning to devote to spiritual stuff, but that didn't happen. Instead, I prayed a short prayer and rushed out to eat lunch and go to class. I didn't get to work today, either, which I planned on doing. I tried to pray throughout the day, but I'm finding that it's a lot harder than I had anticipated. I've been at Evangel 3 days, and all three days... I've felt cut off from God, like there's a barrier in our communication. It makes no sense. I was so excited to do this, and was actually starting to believe some good would come of it, and anticipated success, and was just all-around very positive towards it... however, I came to Evangel, and I started to feel like God was absent, that I wasn't going to have success, and etc. Today has been the worst, a culmination of all these feelings... I honestly DO NOT want to do anything spiritual. I hate the idea of any of it. It's the same feeling I got towards the end of last semester towards homework - I'm completely repulsed by the idea of praying, or trying to commune with God, or even getting serious and emotional about issues. I just despise all of it. I don't know why. Either it's "spiritual warfare" (blehhh I hate that term... Christians use it so often as an excuse for things. Gack!) and evil forces don't want me to succeed in this project, thus they are hindering me. Or, God is putting those barriers himself to see if I'm serious, to see if I actually will do what I said I would do. Or it's just the fact that I'm kind of sick, things are busy, etc. and I just don't want to make time for it out of my own self. Not sure what it is. I'm going to try and pray tonight and see what happens, then go to sleep and FORCE myself to wake up at 7.