Operation Project Openness: Day Two
So... today was better. Kinda. I slept too late (again) because last night I couldn't sleep and ended up staying up 'til 3 am. Slept through chapel (which I was going to try and go to with an open mind), and almost slept through my first class (the first class of that first class, too!)... however, though things are hectic and I have yet to have time to really dedicate to pursuing anything spiritual, I feel a lot more at peace today. Last night I asked one of my friends to pray for me and this weird barrier thing, so maybe that helped. My boyfriend and I resolved some issues we've been having the past few days over what to do when I graduate (since by that time we'll be engaged and planning on being married in a year, and I wanted to just up and vanish for a year haha, long story).
One of my big things with this OPO is trying to be nicer to people, since previously I became so harsh in my judgments of others that only about 4 people made the cut, and I would only happily talk to those 4 - everyone else I looked on with seething hatred. Things are going REALLY well in that front... (I supposed that while spending time talking to God hasn't really happened, actually trying to work it out in my life is going well) Someone who last semester I could hardly even look at... I'm going to her birthday party on Friday. Another person who me and my boyfriend were not on speaking terms with, in the past week has been trying to ask forgiveness and reconcile the friendship, and we've both agreed that tomorrow at lunch we're going to eat with him if we see him, and just be nice to him in general. Yet another person who I was seriously like 2 inches from STABBING last year, I've ... tolerated... her presence recently, hahaha! I tried to invite her to Wal-Mart, but she said no... she doesn't know how annoying she is to me (at least I don't think)... I'm trying to learn to see her good qualities instead of just dumping the entire relationship. It's hard. I'm not nice by nature, like... at all. But... things are getting easier, I find. Just since coming to college, while God isn't really APPARENT so far... I have actually WANTED to be nice to people, instead of just doing it because I think I have to. So that's good. :)
I'm attempting to be more organized and have set up a schedule for next week in order to get in all the things I want to do... :) I found last year that when I didn't have things scheduled, I wouldn't do what I had to do, OR what I wanted to do. It was weird. I would just spend hours sitting around doing nothing, and then get upset that I didn't do my homework or required work, NOR did I do anything "fun" that I really wanted to do. o.O;;;; I think it's because I have like NO concept of time whatsoever. I don't know. The schedule includes a prayer walk, 30 minutes of getting in touch with God every morning, and three other spiritual things... most of them later in the week, so I'll let you know how those go. :) For now it's just buying textbooks, getting unpacked (yeah I still haven't done that) and trying to prepare for the semester.
Tonight I'm going to bed on time (and am actually tired!!). A friend said she'd wake me up at 7 and I have set 3 alarms (bahaha) so HOPEFULLY I'll actually wake up this time, and be able to start my morning communicating with God like I've planned on doing recently but haven't gotten to. :)
-Jesse
Jesse,
ReplyDeleteYou very much inspire me. And I was reading your previous entry, and I think what you're feeling about being on a Christian campus and not feeling God strongly is normal. Because I have felt that way. I mean, I don't know how many people consider me "normal", but you know. ;)
But yeah, it is easy to feel awayness from God. I mean, my first semester at Evangel, I was so psyched about being at a Christian college that I thought growing closer to God wasn't going to take any work or dedication. Silly, huh? How can a relationship, let alone a friendship develop without seed planting and watering, and any care? It can't! And I was ruining my relationship with God by stopping prayer, devos, etc. It was sad.
I will admit, I don't remember to pray all the time, but I am working on that. In fact, it really helps now, because I forget to pray over my food a lot of times, but I have found friends here who will pray over their food aloud. It's nice, because it helps me remember more. We take turns praying, too. Sweet girls.
But I do know what you mean about feeling that barrier. I've felt God's presence since I've been here at MVNU...but I kinda feel like *I* put a barrier between me and God. :'( Like I said, I'm working on fixing it. That's the important thing.
But I admire you for this operation project openness of yours, and I hope it continues to go well.
Have a good one!